Behind Every Behavior Is a Story

Have you ever asked yourself why a student might act out in class?

Maybe they’re fighting, skipping school, or lashing out at a teacher. On the surface, it’s easy to label their behavior as “bad.”

But what if we asked a different question?

“What’s going on in their life that’s causing this?”

This is the fundamental shift that restorative practices demand of us. And as a former principal and district leader, I’ve had to unlearn the traditional disciplinary mindset and reframe the way I view student behavior.

The Patterns Behind the Behavior

When I think back to the students I served, I remember the ones who tested every limit, broke every rule, and were on a first-name basis with every adult in the discipline office. But I also remember the moment I stopped seeing their actions as defiance and started seeing them as signals.

Behind the suspensions and office referrals, there was always something deeper:

Unaddressed trauma – Students navigating homelessness, grief, or domestic instability often carried that weight into the classroom.

Feelings of isolation or rejection – Many of our students didn’t feel seen, whether it was in their identity, their learning needs, or their home lives.

Anxiety about academic or social pressures – Sometimes, behavior was a mask for the fear of failing, being judged, or not belonging.

The question for us as school leaders is: How do we lead our teams to respond to these realities in a way that builds relationships rather than erodes them?

Shifting the Narrative in Our Schools

Here are two ways school leaders, support specialists, and deans of students can guide a culture shift:

1. Train Teachers to Ask Deeper Questions

Too often, I’ve seen teachers react to behavior in frustration rather than curiosity. And I get it—teaching is hard, and disruptive behavior can derail an entire lesson. But if we want real change, we have to equip our teachers with strategies that go beyond surface-level discipline.

Practical steps:

• Model curiosity-based conversations in professional learning. Ask teachers to reflect on why a student might be struggling.

• Train staff on trauma-informed responses. Instead of reacting with, “Why are you doing this?” teach them to ask, “What do you need right now?”

• Create systems where teachers can collaborate with support specialists. The more they understand a student’s full story, the better they can respond with empathy.

2. Partner with Parents and Caregivers

One of the biggest lessons I learned as a school leader was that discipline policies written in isolation don’t work. If we’re not engaging families in the conversation, we’re missing a critical piece of the puzzle.

Practical steps:

• Shift from punitive calls home to proactive relationship-building. Don’t let the first call home be about a student’s misbehavior—start with a strength.

• Invite families into restorative conversations, not just disciplinary meetings. When families see us as partners rather than enforcers, they’re more likely to engage in solutions.

• Offer workshops or listening sessions for parents about the school’s approach to discipline and support. The more they understand, the more they can reinforce those values at home.

Beyond Behavior—Changing Lives

When we address the why, we don’t just change student behavior—we change lives.

I’ve seen students on the brink of dropping out find their purpose when someone took the time to understand them. I’ve seen the hardest-to-reach kids transform when they finally felt seen. And I’ve seen teachers shift from frustration to deep fulfillment when they moved from reaction to restoration.

If we want schools to be places where students thrive—not just comply—we have to lead differently. We have to be willing to ask, “What’s going on beneath the surface?” and build systems that center connection over control.

So, the next time a student acts out, let’s pause. Let’s lean into curiosity. And let’s build schools that don’t just react to challenges but work together to solve them.

How is your school shifting the way it approaches student behavior? Drop your thoughts below—I’d love to hear your insights.